Meaties Beef Cereal: The Perfect Way To Ruin Your Day Right From The Start

Wheaties are known as "the breakfast of champions," and a new cereal on the block called Meaties is hoping to launch a revolution on breakfast itself. Did we mention yet that this cereal is grain-free, and built on the strength of ground beef? Yes, old-school ground beef. This brand new cereal isn't a pile of juicy meat sagging in a plastic bag, but a dehydrated version that's lightly sweetened by honey or maple syrup, contains no artificial ingredients, and supposedly delivers a "Grape-Nuts crunch." Low on sugar, and high on proteins, the brand bills Meaties as "the first guilt-free cereal in 150 years since Kellogg's started the breakfast myth."

Meaties currently come in two flavors — Chocolate Peanut Butter and Maple Cinnamon. They are outfitted in tiny 3.9-ounce boxes, and are tagged with a sticker-shocking price of $14. So, the big question is — is this a delicious and nutritious cereal you need to go bowling with, or just a beefed-up gimmick that we should cry foul on? The Takeout tried on a box of each for size, to see where the truth lies. Now all can be revealed in this beefy chew & review.

After seeing snack brand anthropologist Jason Liebig add a pair of Meaties Cereal boxes to his collection, I had to know immediately what it tasted like. I ordered one of each flavor — Chocolate Peanut Butter and Maple Cinnamon — and waited for them to arrive by USPS. Each flavor was initially tasted dry, and then in conjunction with milk, as well as yogurt. The cereals were sampled by me, and three other brave souls.

This chew & review is a summation of my own personal tastes and opinions. I also took into consideration my previous experiences with cereal, beef, and my current run-in with this beefy cereal. The ultimate criteria considered for this review were flavor, presentation, smell, familiarity, originality, uniqueness, value, and, ultimately, whether this works as a cereal or more as a joke.

Because I know it's made of beef, this Chocolate Peanut Butter Meaties cereal looked like it was ready to be put into a hard taco shell. A deeper smell test yielded dry pet food vibes.

My initial taste was a dry spoonful. The first thing I noticed was the granular crunch, which was hard to gnaw on. The next thing of note was the flavor of the cereal — and it was instantly not at all appetizing. There were more notes of chocolate than there were of peanut butter, and while it's listed as all natural ingredients, it somehow came off tasting highly artificial. Perhaps that's what happens when you blend those two sweet flavors with the dried meat of a cow. Further spoonfuls didn't do the cereal any more favors due to its off putting flavor, as it left a wicked aftertaste akin to eating the exhaust of a grease trap.

I next tried the cereal as a plain yogurt topping. The yogurt did a good job in the beginning of masking the foul taste, but then its rigid texture and peculiar flavoring started to unlock its nastiness. I had to stop after two spoonfuls. After following the directions to let it sit in milk for five minutes, the rough texture did loosen up a bit, and the artifice of the flavor wasn't nearly as horrific. That doesn't mean it was edible, unless you think wolfing down used coffee grinds sounds appetizing.

This mound of Maple Cinnamon Meaties too resembled ground beef, ready to serve as your next bowl of chili, decked out in a much more familiar brown hue. This cereal had a much more welcoming scent — with the maple syrup convincing my nostrils it could pass as granola or even a brown sugar-flavored oatmeal by Quaker Oats. So far, not that awful.

I approached my taste of this cereal with even more caution, after my first experience with the other made me want to scream "unholy cow." The crunch was very similar, where the teeth tried their best to wear down the sinewy attributes of the cereal, but what was left behind was too many bits of it stuck to my gums. At the outset, I thought the maple cinnamon flavoring was faring better than the chocolate peanut butter, but the more I went at it, the worse things got. The combination of flavors here was like a tsunami of awfulness.

On top of yogurt, its unwholesomeness was also masked for about 30 seconds, before the raunchy flavor reared its ugly head. Milk here also couldn't help to loosen the texture, but was able to mildly make it a tad more palatable. The beefiness kind of subsided, allowing the sweetness to reign a little more supreme, but not enough to make this passable for human consumption in any way, shape, or form.

I 110% dive into each food review with no reservations, leaving any preconceived notions at the door. Everything deserves a chance, but at every nook and cranny, Meaties Cereal was unable to meat the moment — setting both ground beef and cereal eating back a whole millennia.

While I give credit to those who came up with this product, for trying to find a cleaner way to make a healthy protein cereal, it just doesn't work. I say this as a person who loves beef, and am a fan of cereal. If your cereal is hard to digest and leaves a bad taste in your mouth, we have a problem. And, while the tiny boxes don't appear to be worth the $14, I can understand why such a little amount is sold — as one would be hard pressed to be able to eat more than a bite. 

I passed around some dry samples to some loved ones, and their reactions were almost more unforgiving than mine. My nephew was begging for $20 to buy a new Mario game, and I said he could have it if he finished the remnants of the samples. He quickly downed a cup of both, earning his keep, but watching him suffer as he tried to wash it down made me realize that Meaties is the true breakfast of unchampions. If you are looking for a healthier snack-food option, you're better off indulging in Doritos Protein. 

Meaties Cereal can currently only he purchased in one place — meatiescereal.com. They are available to order at any time, to any U.S. address, but they are often out of stock or sold out, resulting in delayed shipments. For the latest availability, flavors, and shipping date estimates, please consult its website.

Each 3.9 ounce box sells for $14 per box, not including taxes or shipping fees. One can pay by credit card, Apple Pay, or PayPal. There doesn't appear to be a limit on how many boxes one can order, although I stopped after adding 34 to my cart. Discount codes may be available for those who sign up for the Meaties' newsletter.

The boxes should be stored in a cool, dry place. It's recommended to pour a 1/2 cup of the cereal into a bowl, add your favorite milk (dairy or plant-based), wait five minutes for them to soften slightly, and enjoy.

Chocolate Peanut Meaties are made up of 100% American beef, raw honey, roasted peanuts, cocoa, cinnamon, salt, and monk fruit. One serving is one-half cup (55 grams), and that contains 258 calories, 12 grams of total fat (including 6 grams of saturated fat), 31 milligrams of cholesterol, 112 milligrams of sodium, and 17 grams of total carbohydrates (including 3 grams of dietary fiber and 5 grams of total sugars, with 5 grams added sugar). It also provides 20 grams of protein, 35 milligrams of calcium, 6 milligrams of iron, and 560 milligrams of potassium.

Maple Cinnamon Meaties are made of 100% American beef, pure maple syrup, cinnamon, vanilla extract, salt, and monk fruit. One serving is one-half cup (55 grams), which contains 246 calories, 10 grams of total fat (including 5 grams of saturated fat), 31 milligrams of cholesterol, 112 milligrams of sodium, and 19 grams of total carbohydrates (including 3 grams of dietary fiber and 9 grams of total sugars, with 9 grams added sugars). It also provides 20 grams of protein, 35 milligrams of calcium, 6 milligrams of iron, and 560 milligrams of potassium.

The cereals are both grain and gluten-free. Both contain the common allergen peanuts.