According to an exciting new press release, “General Mills is bringing back the taste and shapes that ruled your Saturday mornings in the 80s.” Was I aware that the flavors of any of the above pictured cereals had changed? No, because even though most days I question whether or not I’m competent enough to be considered an adult, I’ve at least come to the conclusion that a bowl full of tiny chocolate chip cookies is not a balanced breakfast. But now that the great tastes that I have no memory of are back, I might as well start eating bowls of chocolate chip cookies for breakfast, because who knows if there’s going to be a tomorrow? It’s a smoke-’em-if-you-got-’em world, ladies and gentlemen, and all breakfast bets are off.
For those of us who cannot remember a damn thing about any of these cereals, General Mills’ press release explains exactly how they’ve become old and improved:
“Cocoa Puffs is bringing more chocolatey taste; Cookie Crisp is delivering more chocolate chip cookie taste; Trix is reviving its classic six fruity shapes; Golden Grahams is taking us back to its retro recipe – honey is back!”
This begs the question: what the hell did these cereals become while we were busying ourselves with grown-up breakfasts? If Cocoa Puffs don’t taste chocolatey, then what was even the point? How does one degrade chocolate chip cookie taste to the point where General Mills can now deliver “more” of it? If Trix was just a bunch of colored balls, how could anyone tell which fruit flavors were which? And how the hell do Golden Grahams even exist without honey?
Of course, there’s no way any sort of beloved edible nostalgia could return the world without some sort of exciting, fully immersive brand activation (or whatever the marketing folk call it nowadays), and this one is a doozy: this Saturday at 10 a.m., General Mills is hosting General Mills Presents: The Ultimate Saturday Morning Drive-In, hosted by none other than Name Your Adventure host Mario Lopez! Tickets for the live drive-in event at the Rose Bowl quickly sold out, which is fine by me as I don’t live in Los Angeles and wasn’t going to be getting dressed and leaving the house on a Saturday morning. Plus, who wants to eat cereal in the car? That’s why I’m going to be streaming the whole thing from comfort of my own home, because the only way to enjoy Saturday morning cartoons is on the couch, in your pajamas, at tippity-top volume so you can annoy the crap out of your parents—or, in my case, my own children, who think everything I like is “cringe,” including Mario Lopez. That’s why they won’t be getting any chocolate chip cookie cereal this weekend.