Most guys aren’t crazy about having a shrimp in their pants, but one Southern California man strongly disagrees. On December 4, an unidentified man was recorded stealing over $500 in bags of frozen shrimp by stuffing the iced sea bugs in his jeans. He’s been dubbed the Shrimp Bandit, which is even more evidence that our world is turning into SpongeBob SquarePants.
The Riverside Police Department released footage of the robbery; you can watch it here. I’m disappointed to report that the thief in question looks pretty calm and collected considering the number of crustaceans near his genitals. The police described him as a 5’10” white male in his 50s, with gray hair, who weighs between 150 and 180 pounds. Of course, that number very much depends on how much seafood he’s got strapped to his pelvis.
Let’s do some math here: the Shrimp Bandit was recorded entering and leaving the Vons three times within 15 minutes. If he stole $500 in shrimp over three trips, that means he exited the store with about $166 in shrimp each time. According to Instacart, a 32-oz. bag of frozen shrimp costs $32.19 from Vons—not cheap! Which puts the Shrimp Bandit at five bags of shrimp per trip. I’m truly floored by how normal this dude looks with five bags of frozen shrimp in his pants. Five bags of shrimp! That’s 10 pounds of iced crustaceans! That’s 50 to 60 shrimp! He must’ve done this before. It’s the perfect crime.
Did you, or someone you know, recently cook up a literal assload of gumbo in Riverside, California? Call up Detective Jeff Putnam at 951-826-2054.