Whole Foods CEO Thinks Organic Peanut Butter Cups Will Cure My Asthma

Just last week, I was lying prone on the floor having shelled out a $200 copay on the asthma inhaler I need to keep existing on this hellish plane. Lucky for me, Whole Foods CEO and wealthy cretin John Mackey has the answer to my problem: change my diet so I won't need healthcare. Excellent! I will inform my ruined lungs posthaste! This will certainly ease my suffering the next time I have an asthma attack because someone burned a candle within a quarter mile of my apartment.

Here's what went down: In an interview on the podcast Freakonomics Radio that aired on November 4 but recirculated earlier this week, Mackey suggested an asinine bipartisan "solution" to the American health care crisis. "The best solution is not to need health care," the self-described "conscious capitalist" (I'm gonna hurl!!!) told Freakonomics Radio host Stephen Dubner. "The best solution is to change the way people eat, the way they live, the lifestyle and diet. There's no reason why people shouldn't be healthy and have a longer health span. A bunch of drugs is not going to solve the problem."

Meanwhile, Mackey is worth an estimated $75 million dollars, a fact that makes his casual argument for a healthy lifestyle seem pretty flip amid food apartheid, poverty, and an economy-crushing pandemic. Of course, this isn't Mackey's first foray into assholery. In 2009 in an op-ed for the Wall Street Journal, he argued against health care being an "intrinsic ethical right," and instead argued that "every American adult is responsible for his or her own health."

John Mackey is out here acting like shopping at Whole Foods isn't just as expensive as health insurance. https://t.co/aMOjKKh0p0

— Kendall Brown (@kendallybrown) January 4, 2021

Let's also quickly review Mackey's September 2020 New York Times interview, which includes sweet nothings like this one:

"Whole Foods has opened up stores in inner cities. We've opened up stores in poor areas. And we see the choices. It's less about access and more about people making poor choices, mostly due to ignorance. It's like a being an alcoholic. People are just not conscious of the fact that they have food addictions and need to do anything about it."

My only question: does Mackey have a solution for those of us who are nauseated by the mere sight of his face? BRB, researching holistic remedies.