In case you forgot, Valentine’s Day is this coming Sunday. Dennis Lee of The Pizzle returns yet again with another taste test, but this time involving the flavor of carnal love. At this point, we know he’ll try just about anything, so we sent him 10 different flavors of water-based sexual lubricant, all for his oral consumption. Well, we think it’s for his oral consumption.

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On Valentine’s Day, many of you will go get fancy dinners, go home, and have obligatory holiday sex on an extremely full stomach. I will probably be sitting under my dining room table crying, alone (okay, maybe with my cat), but that’s just one facet of my silly little existence. Hello darkness, my old friend.

Last year, on my blog, I tried making a gourmet cake out of ingredients I found at the sex shop. I was successfully able to make a crème anglaise, a custard sauce, with strawberry punch-flavored lube, and it was surprisingly delicious. And this year, I get to taste-test 10 different kinds of lube.

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I started with Doc Johnson’s (good one, guys) Candiland Sensuals Glide Variety pack. The flavors include Peppermint Stix, Watermelon Rock Candy, Strawberry Bon Bon, Cotton Candy, and Red Licorice, all things that sound good in theory.

But first, I would need a flavor vehicle: I took a ripe banana (well, the only banana) from my kitchen and rolled a condom over it. I’m pretty sure I picked this condom off the sidewalk at some point, and despite the back of the wrapper saying “Hot Chicken,” it was not a spicy chicken-flavored condom, to my utter disappointment.

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It’s really important to practice safe taste-testing, everyone. You never know what that banana could be packing, no matter how emotionally connected you are with it.

The thick Red Licorice lube, as you can see, left an unintentional dong shape on the plate. Okay, maybe it was intentional. Much to my dismay, it tastes exactly like cough syrup, and not in a good way. I was recently sick with a cough, and I’ve had a lot of Robitussin lately. Bronchitis is not something I would want to relate to sex.

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Verdict: No. No way.

Peppermint Stix was just as medicinal as the Red Licorice, but with a slightly tingly mint flavor. How they managed to get this to taste like mint cough syrup is beyond me. Plus, it had the thinnest texture of the bunch. I’m not sure it would be very functional without needing to apply it frequently, but what do I know? I’m alone in this cold world. I also don’t think mint is necessarily a safe mix with sensitive genital tissue, but you never know until you try in a horny frenzy.

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Verdict: Don’t.

I mean, in theory, so far, none of these sound bad at all. But holy shit, the Watermelon Rock Candy flavor is even more medicinal than the other two. How can this be any fun? It’s chemically bitter, with a slight cotton candy flavor and just the tiniest hint of non-specific fruit Jolly Rancher.

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Verdict: Seriously, no.

I’m starting to sound like a broken record with the medicine descriptions, but the cough syrup flavor still stands with the fourth entry on the Candiland taste test, Cotton Candy. For better or worse, the Cotton Candy flavor is the most straightforward of this bunch. It’s plainly sweet, with perhaps the tiniest hint of fruit. It certainly doesn’t taste like real cotton candy, or even like cotton candy artificial flavoring.

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Verdict: Okay, by a very, very slim margin.

The final entry in the cough syrup Candiland Sensual Glide taste test was Strawberry Bon Bon. Along with the expected cough syrup bitterness, Strawberry Bon Bon tastes like chewing on a red scented magic marker. Is that good? I can’t tell if that’s good. Do you want your intimate areas to smell like a marker? It’s your life. I’ll let you live it. But please report back on your preferences.

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Verdict: Also, no. God, I wish these were decent.

Something interesting to note is that these lubes are all colored, some more brightly than the others. As user Erin mentions in her Amazon review, “The worst part is the lubes themselves are colored so when you’re using them the color is on everything. For instance the red looks a bit like something could be bleeding.”

Something could be bleeding, Erin. But she does have a valid point.

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Next on the taste test lineup was the BabeLicious variety pack by a company called Babeland, which apparently likes the word “babe.”

The four flavors include Pomegranate Vanilla, Dulce De Leche, Mojito Peppermint, and Chocolate Orange, which are all decidedly more gourmet than the Doc Johnson’s Candiland Sensuals Glide Pack.

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First up, babes, was the Pomegranate Vanilla lube.

Yes, there’s lube on that plate. Even though it’s hard to tell, it’s there. As you see, it’s crystal clear, so you won’t have that “bleeding” scare like you would with the Candiland lubes. And no, I didn’t steal my plates from a buffet, thank you very much.

The mouthfeel of the BabeLicious brand lube is much, much, thicker. Well, if you’re planning on using it with your mouth, at least. I hate the word ”mouthfeel.” The Pomegranate Vanilla has a mild vanilla flavor, along with a fairly strong plastic undertone. It’s not sweetened, so it’s a little disconcerting to have a sweet-smelling lube that doesn’t actually taste sweet.

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Verdict: No. It’s really weird.

Next was the Mojito Peppermint, which is kind of repetitious when you think about it, considering that a classic mojito already contains a ton of fresh mint leaves. That’s like saying, “Minty mint.”

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This lube is disturbing. It tastes exactly like the back of an old postage stamp, with that pasty, slightly minty flavor. Even the texture is like a lickable adhesive. I know there’s a lot of people out there who have very interesting fetishes, so if mailing things turns you on, then this is the right product for you.

Verdict: No, because I’m not a recreational postage stamp connoisseur.

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The third in the BabeLicious taste test was the Dulce De Leche, which comes in a confusing reddish squeeze bottle.

It’s confusing because dulce de leche (meaning “milk candy” in Spanish), is actually anywhere from a light to a dark shade of brown. I guess brown isn’t a sexy bedroom color for some people. This unsweetened lube tastes like fake caramel, so if mildly burned sugar flavoring that’s not sweet excites you, it’s all yours for the licking.

Verdict: It’s fine, I guess.

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Last up in the BabeLicious variety pack was the Chocolate Orange, which was the most intriguing to me since chocolate was involved. Who doesn’t love chocolate?

Ever have unsweetened chocolate? No? That’s because it’s bitter without any sugar added. Imagine a Tootsie Roll without any corn syrup in it, and there you have it. If there’s any orange flavor at all, it’s hidden under the artificial chocolate flavor. I can’t believe I’m going into full food-writer mode talking about sex lube. I never thought my life would bring me to this point.

Verdict: If you like Tootsie Rolls, then you’ll likely enjoy this.

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Finally, for my last taste test, and my favorite name of the bunch, is Wet Unicorn Spit’s Donut flavored lube. When you think about it, all males become a kind of unicorn when they get really excited.

Wet Unicorn Spit’s Donut lube is easily the best of this lot, and apparently invisible on my plate in the photo. It’s very sweet, and tastes more like honey than it does like donuts. I mean, how could you really capture the complex flavor of a donut anyway? A donut’s spirit is free and wild, and cannot be tamed, just like you and your lover(s).

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Verdict: Yes. Go for it.

So to my star-crossed lovebirds out there, I hope you have some wild, slippery sex on Valentine’s Day with someone you mildly care about. For you single folks, I’d be alone in spirit right next to you if The A.V. Club hadn’t sent me 10 types of lubes to try out.

I think I’ll be a little “busy” that night. Busy crying.

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