Illustration: Kevin Pang

This is how life in 2017 operates: A series of fleeting moments—with the world exploding and doom encroaching and everywhere a shit-splattered hellscape—where we’re able to fixate on something totally stupid and inconsequential, react with exaggerated sentiments, then return to the ceaseless and horrifying misery that is living.

Sooo... what are we fixated on today? It’s the placement of cheese! Not even real cheese, but cheese on an emoji.

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Wednesday came news that Google revised the design of their burger emoji. First, let’s give you the backstory: A previous version had the cheese below the patty and above the bun, which managed to draw the ire of the internet commentariat:

After a wave of righteous indignation, no less than the CEO of Google, Sundar Pichai, said he would get to work remedying this.

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But one prominent food placement expert who advised not changing the design was Dan Pashman. He’s the host of the popular The Sporkful podcast, a show that aims to enhance our eating experience by exploring—with Edisonian trial-and-error—the best ways to consume foods. Pashman went against the popular grain and argued that the cheese-on-bottom scheme is the superior method. His rationale:

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Nevertheless on Wednesday, Google revised its emojis set, and the cheeseburger was indeed redesigned.

We immediately called Pashman for his opinion on this matter. Pashman, not surprisingly, was not pleased.

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Look, if being faux-opinionated about this means keeping our attention, however briefly, away from sexual deviants, racists, and raining locusts, I’ll debate emojis with you till next February.