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Obviously, there is a very strong relationship between food and romance. First dates (and subsequent ones) often take place over dinner and wine, or in my case: pizza and beer. #deeplez

And while cooking a meal for the object of your desire is incredibly sweet (if the food is good), banging while cooking a stir fry because vegetable chopping gives you a boner is something that belongs in trashy romance novels. Lucky for you, the latest in the Fifty Shades of Grey series gives you an erotic wok scene that you will literally never experience in your life.

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Scott Bryan of BuzzFeed UK shared this incredible excerpt from Darker: Fifty Shades Darker as Told by Christian and it literally made me spit out my LaCroix:

In case you missed that last part, it reads: “Swallowing hard, she picks up the bowl of diced chicken, rather clumsily places a plate over the top, and puts the whole thing in the fridge.”

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Follow Scott’s thread for more hilarity, including postcoital Coldplay and some appreciation for the author’s commitment to food safety.

The Takeout crew started thinking of more realistic kitchen scenes after reading this one. While they don’t end in orgasms and Coldplay, we think they’re a bit more true to life:

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