Photo: Hollywood To You/Star Max / Contributor (Getty Images), Wolterk (iStock)

Yesterday, Kim Kardashian announced to the internet that she would like to speak to a manager:

A few of the things that make this ridiculous tweet a work of art:

  • The fact that she didn’t even tag Jack In The Box, assuming (rightly, as it happens) that someone from the company would see it pretty damn quickly all the same.
  • “I won’t fully put you on blast”: Hilarious on its own (how generous); vaguely threatening and responsible simultaneously; this isn’t on blast?
  • This is the social media equivalent of someone who texts you to tell you to check your voicemail, or sends you a telegram to let you know you’re also going to be getting a letter.
  • “Pronto!” Pronto? Why not go the full tout suite?
  • It is also the complete second sentence of a total two sentences.
  • But really, as good as that “Pronto” is, it’s the “Hey” and subsequent comma that makes this tweet a thing of beauty. So conversational. So unnecessary.

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But I digress. Kim Kardashian is most seriously displeased with Jack In The Box. She has gone full Lady Catherine De Bourgh, which I guess makes JITB Elizabeth Bennet, which in no way tracks but who cares. Someone on that (probably very tired) social media team responded pronto!, and it is the very funniest part of the whole thing:

Just delicious. The company apparently managed to make contact with someone on Team Kim K, because the JITB account later tweeted to thank the complainant for talking with a representative after throwing a grenade into the middle of the workday, adding, “We are taking actions to ensure that everyone has positive experiences when visiting Jack in the Box.”

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Kardashian herself also issued some clarifying remarks, though she would have benefitted from an editor who made this sound less like she was complaining that no one asked for her autograph.

Anyway, it’s all resolved. But it hasn’t stopped the many snarky fast food brands of the internet from getting in on the fun. Here are all the dumb, opportunistic, “ain’t we stinkers” responses, ranked from very bad to least bad.

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Ain’t they stinkers, ranked

14. Carl’s Jr.

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Woof. Is there anything more embarrassing than someone who thinks they totally dunked on someone else when they absolutely did not? Also, 5:20? Get it? Because it was May 20? Zero points awarded.

13. Vegan Rob’s

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Dear Vegan Rob, you’re not a multibillion dollar corporation, so we’ll cut you a little slack, but “where’s the beef” is a Wendy’s thing, not a Jack In The Box thing, and while we admire the hustle, this is a bit sad.

12. &pizza

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Gets the Vegan Rob’s “not a huge corp” discount, but still, scold isn’t a good look either. Jack In The Box isn’t exactly a teeny tiny mom-n-pop burger joint, it doesn’t need a champion, even if that champion is “an anti-establishment establishment.”

11. Hooters

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Three points here. One: Not all that funny. Two: Actually, probably a pretty great day to be Jack, now that the dust has settled. That was a, to use a technical term, metric fuckton of free publicity. Three: Is it a good day to be Hooter? I’m not sure there is a good day to be Hooter. Those eyes look infected.

10. Steak-umm

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The “lol” is typically inherently funny, but two major strikes here. One: Brands are not your friends, and it is very creepy when one pretends to be just folks. Two: Sure does open one up to a lot of “why are you eating steak-umm lol” jokes, does it not?

9. Wendy’s

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Smug Wendy strikes again.

8. Jimmy’s Famous Seafood

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Har har, but here’s the thing: You can say a lot of things about Kim K., but she’s probably not dumb, and the “Look at the stupid reality TV princess” thing is super played out (and kind of sexist, truth be told). Jimmy’s is capable of much sicker burns, and is responsible for our favorite ever food-related twitter spat. So, meh.

7. Burger King

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Okay, the little speaker emoji is cute. Decent effort. A little gleeful without being smug or all that petty, and a reasonably accurate metaphor for the events of the day, as that makes Kim Kardashian the principal of the internet.

6. Toppers Pizza

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Toppers sees BK’s eight-word, one-emoji tweet and raises it a single GIF. Same idea, even more succinctly. Well handled.

5. Shake Shack

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Shake Shack sees that single GIF and raises it a lone emoji. Even better.

4. Jackbox Games

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Now that is how you insert yourself into a stupid brand-off without seeming overly thirsty. See an opening, seize the moment, GTFO.

3. Checker’s/Rally’s

Later, Kim tweeted this:

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Someone was apparently displeased that their chain of choice did not respond to this one innocuous tweet, and voiced their displeasure. And lo:

Into it. Brands are not your friends, but I hope the person pretending to be that brand got a raise.

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2. McDonald’s and Taco Bell

Two giant chains. Zero response. We admire the restraint.

1. Priceline

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BRAVO.